“I wanted my healing to be immediate; He wanted it to be complete.” ⠀
Goodness, I can relate to Jennie’s words in this week’s Freedom Story. She shares bravely of her heartbreak, walking through divorce, searching for answers from God, and the blessing that happens in the waiting for His healing. Praying her words would speak to you today if you’re in a season of heartache or waiting ❤️⠀
This is Jennie’s Freedom Story.
I know the exact moment my heart broke. It was a cold Friday night in February, and my children were sleeping upstairs. Cozy in their footed pajamas, they had no idea their lives were changing forever below them.
Their father — my husband — was leaving.
I could not have understood before that night how everything can change in one moment — that a stable and content life can be ripped from you, leaving indescribable destruction and heartache behind.
But one moment can change everything. It did for me.
That moment changed my physical realities — I needed a new place to live and a new job that would provide financially, and I had to learn how to parent my children as a single mother. The new physical realities were nothing compared to the new emotional realities, though.
In the moment my husband said he was leaving, something shifted in my beliefs about myself and my God, and I fell into a darkness that consumed me for years.
Satan began whispering to me in that moment of vulnerability that I was profoundly unlovable. He told me I was so deeply flawed I was destined to be alone, so unworthy of acceptance I would always be rejected, and too broken to ever be healed.
He told me God did not have great plans for my life and that He chose not to protect me from this hurt. The enemy deceived me as He did Eve, asking me, “Did God actually say…?” He led me to doubt the goodness of my God, and I fell for it all.
I believed him. Everything he spoke to me became the truth I internalized, and I knew I was unworthy, unlovable, and deserving of the rejection I faced.
I woke each morning with the heavy weight of his lies weighing me down, carrying a burden that was invisible to everyone even though they could see the sadness in my eyes.
My life moved forward, because it had to. I began a new job, parented my children, and went through the motions of moving on.
But I was stuck. It was as though my feet were mired in a quicksand that never quite pulled me under but simply kept me tethered where I was.
I knew Jesus. He had saved me years before, and I continued to try to live for Him. But in reality, I worshiped Him with resentment, served Him with hesitation, and read His Word with the silent questions, “Why would you allow this?” and “Are you really good?” plaguing my mind.
Daily, I fought the battle of believing God or believing the enemy. More often than not, the enemy won.
Now, years removed from this experience, I can look back and see truths I was unable to see then, and I can tell you what I’ve learned about how God heals.
When I was hurting so badly, struggling to understand why God had allowed this to happen, I wanted the hurt to go away. I wanted my circumstances to be fixed, and I simply wanted healing. But because God is good, He wanted more for me.
He wanted my heart. My trust. My decision to follow Him even when I didn’t understand. He wanted my surrender. My complete reliance on Him. My faith to be real.
God could have healed my brokenness and fixed my circumstances overnight. He didn’t.
In Mark 8, people take a blind man to Jesus for healing. Jesus spits on the man’s eyes, and the man begins to see, but with his still-blurry vision, he sees people who look like trees walking. Healing begins, but it is not complete until Jesus lays his hands on the man’s eyes again. Then, the man “saw everything clearly” (25).
I was the blind man.
People in my life carried me to Jesus when I couldn’t see Him myself. My family, small groups, acquaintances from high school… They all prayed I would find my way, sent notes of encouragement, and brought coffee to my house when they had nothing else to offer. They knew Jesus would be my healer, and my sorrow did not intimidate them. They were the body of Christ when I felt so alone.
Jesus could have immediately healed me, but He didn’t. My healing took place slowly, with Jesus coming to me multiple times, giving me what I needed so I could see clearly.
I wanted my healing to be immediate; He wanted it to be complete.
I believe that Jesus, in His infinite kindness, knew I needed time to wrestle with Him and my thoughts about Him. He knew it would take me time to finally come to a place of such desperate need that I was willing to surrender everything.
He allowed my healing to be gradual so it would be true. God is outside our calendars and schedules, and the terms we want to impose on Him are meaningless in His plan.
For years, Satan held me in bondage to my pain and emotions. But now, because of wrestling and time and continued whispers from Jesus, I am free.
Freedom always costs something. It cost Jesus His life, and it cost me the right to have ownership of mine. In the surrender, though, He brought freedom. I am no longer bound to the expectations I had for what my life would be, the pain that was debilitating, or an identity based on a relationship other than with Christ.
I am free to mourn what I lost but still believe the best is ahead. I am free to share my story with the knowledge that others need my hope.
I am free to enjoy the goodness of God even when life looks different than I imagined.
God is too good to rush what we’re not ready to accept, and He is too kind to force a healing we’re not in a position to receive. So He waits. And as He waits, we are made ready. Ready to receive a healing that is complete and a God who is good.
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