This Freedom Story is vulnerable. But it is also a beautiful, truthful, and desperately needed story. I am so thankful to Taryn for her willingness to tell of the healing that the Lord has brought to her life, because this is the kind of hopeful story that I needed to hear. And it may be one that you need to hear too.
If this story intersects with your own, please know that I have been praying for you all week in anticipation of posting Taryn’s story. I’m praying for grace to cover you and for healing to come. You are not alone, and you are loved, sweet friend.
This is Taryn’s Freedom Story.
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The door was closed in the little basement bathroom of my neighbor’s house. She, the pre-teen girl whose name I have long forgotten, was gently rolling up a towel and tucking it into the gap at the bottom of the door.
I found it curious, so I asked her, “What are you doing?”
“I don’t want my dad to know we’re in here,” she responded.
As the light was blocked from the bottom of the door, I felt a new emotion: shame.
At merely five years old, shame became an unwelcome companion in my life. Shame’s sister—guilt—tucked herself closely beside me, making sure I could always feel her presence.
I felt guilty almost all the time. A five-year-old girl has plenty of opportunities for misbehavior, but most of my guilt was felt simply for feeling like a flawed child. “If you’re not perfectly good, then you’re bad,” guilt told me.
This deep shame that made its home in my heart contaminated my life for many years. All good things within my reach became disfigured in my mind by the lies I believed about myself and others.
I am deeply flawed, I thought; I am not worthy of goodness and love and joy like others are. The lies I believed held me in bondage for a long time.
Facing the Truth
Aware of this memory and the effect it was having on my life and in my marriage, I knew it was time to forgive this girl who abused me. Weeping, I gave my hurt and anger to God and forgave her; I even asked him to bless her.
I didn’t realize the power of that act until a year later.
In a moment of intimacy with my husband, God decided to open the door that he had kept shut for twenty years of my life. In his goodness and grace, he didn’t fling the door wide open—he opened it up a crack—just enough for me to see the truth of who I forgave and from how much I had been cleansed.
Glimpses of memories flashed through my mind and I wept every tear in my body before falling asleep. The memories felt devastating and filled me with deep shame all over again.
But the pain was worth it.
I awoke in the morning a completely different woman than who I was when I went to bed. My swollen eyes were the only clue to the pain I had experienced the night before. I looked in the mirror and saw a beautiful, cleansed, redeemed daughter of God. There was no shame, and nothing left to resolve.
His Forgiveness is Complete
In that moment, I experienced the absolute power of radical forgiveness. Despite not knowing the details of what happened to me when I took that bold step to forgive my abuser the year earlier, I had been completely set free. God’s grace, through Jesus’ death, had covered it completely. It covered it for me, and it covered it for her. I didn’t need to forgive her again for what she had done now that I knew the details. It was done.
It was finished.
Often in our lives, we make things more complicated than they are. We over-think, over-analyze, and over-estimate.
We suffer from the annoying “yes, but” syndrome. God says, “Forgive her.” And we say, “Yes, but she did this!” God says, “You’ve been forgiven.” And we say, “I know, but what I did was so bad! I don’t deserve your forgiveness!”
The more we justify, make excuses, and place the blame, the less joy, strength, and power we have in our lives. We are weakened by the shame we hang onto and we are made ineffective by the bitterness we choose not to release.
Forgiveness is always for you. Whether it’s receiving forgiveness for your own sins or extending forgiveness for the sins of others, both release us from the prisons of our past.
You Deserve Better
If you can relate to my story in any way, I am so sorry. Abuse should not be the common thread that weaves our lives together. But, if it is, here is what I want you to know:
It was not your fault. No matter how old you were, what you did, or where you were—it is not your fault.
You are not to blame, and you don’t need to hold onto the shame for a minute longer.
You did not deserve what happened to you. You deserve better.
You deserve to be free from your past, free from shame, free from bitterness and resentment. You deserve to be free to love, free to trust, and free to hope in a better future.
If you feel stuck—like your life is defined as a before and after of your abuse—then it’s time to bring all your pain and shame to God. Yell it out or cry it out if you must—just get it out of you and into God’s hands. He can take it—he wants to take it.
Open your heart to Him and trust Him to yield both justice and mercy for your abuser.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:6-10)
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Taryn lives nestled in the beautiful mountains of the Fraser Valley, British Columbia with her husband and four kids. While most of her responsibilities revolve around those 5 people, her greatest love is Jesus. Her life was radically changed when she met Him for the first time at 19 years old. Since then, she tries to live her life by closely listening to His voice and leading others to do the same. She admits that she messes up all the time, but she trusts in the certainty that God’s love remains constant. Her passion is seeing women set free from the lies and shame that hold them captive. You can find her on Facebook, Instagram, and on her website.
P.S. Want to read more stories of hope and freedom? Find Freedom Stories from 25+ other brave and inspiring women here.